Entombed in a candle-lit circle, The Grand Conduit nods to the gathered acolytes and they advance forwards, knives drawn and looming, towards the unsuspecting beast of burden.
A dark flash, an abyssal screech, and That Which Bestows appears before them in all its horrendous glory.
‘Cease!’ it utters forth in a thousands shrieking tongues. The Grand Conduit, the Seven Masters and all the acolytes drop to the floor, shaking in their fervent worship of their dark lord.
‘Look, it’s very nice to see you all again,’ the vast, incomprehensible apparition says, ‘and I cannot perceive the flow of time so all of these interactions are happening simultaneously, but I just wanted to remind you that in this chronology, I am vegan.’
The Grand Conduit lifts his head from the floor and glances over at the Seven Masters, who stare, awe-struck, at the entity floating before them.
‘The cow is always a nice touch, I’ll admit,’ That Which Bestows continues, ‘I do appreciate your complete disregard for the sanctity of life for the sake of displaying your undying reverence. But at the same time, not to be ungrateful, but thanks to my expansive celestial might, you are all billionaires.’
The Seven Masters look around at each other, still on the floor, their expressions shifted from fear to fear-fuelled-confusion.
‘And I’m just saying that right now, the PS5 has just come out and those 3090ti GPUs are getting restocked and I think both are pretty decent bang-for-your-buck. And you have plenty of bucks. So, you know, next year maybe forgo the ritual sacrifice and just get me something useful? No stocking fillers, thanks.’
There’s frantic mumbling in the hall between the acolytes.
‘Oh, and by the way Jeremy,’ says the deity, and one of the Seven Masters snaps his head up, ‘I do appreciate the effort you put into the trifle each year but, maybe skip that next year too, eh? Not to put too fine a point on it, but your cooking is dreadful. Maybe rather than asking for unlimited material wealth, perhaps you could have asked how to put a fucking sweet together. Anyhow, I am seeing you all now, some of you die next year, by the way, but in your timeline I’ll see you in one cycle of your miserable planet. Ciao.’
And That Which Bestows disappears without so much as a pop.
Paddy Dobson
25th December 2020