There are days where I wish I could go back to that terrible place. I feel I don’t deserve to be here, with people so kind and clever. That I am no more than a weapon that can think for itself, capable of little else but inflicting terror and death. Not the kind of person you want here.
Back there, I had my purpose, however evil. I wouldn’t question what I was told to do. I would even think to question it. It just was. I just was.
And the pain from those days leaks from then to here, and my body and my mind is like a portal to the past, spilling in terror from beyond. These people don’t deserve that corruption. But they would never turn me away, which is the greatest tragedy, because that’s exactly what they should do.
Paddy Dobson
21st December 2022