‘And that concludes the reports for this morning, sire.’
‘Capital. Now, Charles, I wanted to discuss-’
‘Oh, apologies, sire, there appears to be one more item. Hm, yes. It appears the sea is made of orange juice.’
‘Pardon?’
‘The sea, sire. It is made of orange juice.’
The King’s frowns in confusion. ‘Come again?’
‘The final report, sire. It says the sea is made of orange juice.’
‘Charles I- what?’
‘I think we may need to book in the otolaryngologist.’
‘Orange juice? Is this one of your ill-fated japes?’
‘Oh no, sire,’ says Charles with heartfelt concern in his eyes. ‘This is quite real. The sea is made from orange juice.’
‘Well,’ says the King, throwing his hands up, ‘that simply isn’t possible.’
‘I am afraid it is, sire.’
‘How do you know?’
‘It’s the truth.’
‘Truth? How can it be true that the sea is made of orange juice?’
‘Because it is.’
‘But the sea has always been made of, well, sea. Water, man alive! Not orange juice.’
‘Things change, sire.’
‘Not the bloody sea, Charles. Have you gone mad?’
‘Seems unfair to attack my character,’ says Charles, folding away the stacks of paper, ‘when I am simply stating a fact.’
‘It’s not a sodding fact, Charles. It’s one of your silly games, isn’t it? You’re trying to make a point!’
‘Not at all, sire. Simply letting you know the sea is made of orange juice.’
‘But it isn’t!’
‘It is.’
‘Oh, mercy,’ the King rubs his temples. ‘You’re giving me a headache. It’s too early for this.’
‘You needn’t worry yourself, sire. I am sure the armada can still chart the sea, even if it is made of orange juice.’
‘It won’t have to,’ growled the King, ‘because the sea is not made of orange juice!’
‘Categorically, it is.’
‘How!’ the King roared, ‘How do you know the sea is made of orange juice?’
‘Because it is. You are welcome to go check.’
‘Check? Check! The nerve! I am a King, do you think I have the time to go checking the sea every bloody morning to see if it is made of milk, or tomato soup or-’
‘Orange juice?’
‘Charles! That is quite enough. May we get on with the rest of the day? There is much to be done.’
‘I am afraid, sire, that it will be hard for you to rule a kingdom without first fully understanding all its peculiarities. Such a monumental event will require an address to the public.’
‘The… you want me to-’
‘Let that the public know that the sea is now made of orange juice. You’d be doing them a favour, especially coastal cafés who won’t have to press their own oranges anymore.’
The King rubs his eyes. ‘Fine, whatever. Call the radio station. I’ll say we are looking into the possibility that the sea might be made of orange juice. There, satisfied?’
‘Very good sire.’
After a moment of silence, the exasperated King exhales and stands. ‘Right, now to the actual business of the day. I vaguely recall asking you to remind me of something yesterday, what was it?’
Charles smiles. ‘You asked me to remind you how people come to accept absurdities, sire.’
Paddy Dobson
20th November 2020